itty bit of light.

It's quiet here tonight.  The guys are all sleeping.  It's just me and the twinkle of these little lights.

Somehow, when a room is lit by little lights, it just feels more special.  A little more 'magical'.  How those strands of bulbs can fascinate me so or why(!), I am not to sure.  They bring a room ambiance.  Warmth.  A spark of enlightenment.

Growing up, I'd heard time and time again how I, as a christian, am like a little light that shines ... This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine ... I always imagined a lone candle sitting in a brass holder, bringing light wherever I went.  I knew that I always carried a bit of light with me because Jesus was with me.  Illuminating through me.  I guess that's as far as my imagery went with carrying a "little light".

Lately, for me, it's been a struggle.  Physically - I'm tired.  Emotionally - I'm drained.  Spiritually - I'm thirsty.  I guess with all the new changes around here, I haven't felt like my single candle has done a very good job of staying bright.  It's like, I've viewed my candle as the source of bringing light into any room, circumstance, or relationship.  How I've been wrong ... without even really focusing on it but just accepting a perspective I've derived from imagery in a childhood song!

When my world felt like it was falling apart (hormonally that is, just hours ago), it wasn't my brass candle holder that I turned to for illumination ... it was Father and His word.  Communicating with Him, crying out to Him, acknowledging that I couldn't function alone, and clinging to His promises - it's like I got plugged back into a socket and multiple lights got turned on.  My strand of mini lights.

For everything I was thankful for, it seemed like a bulb lit up.  For the gift of life, here on earth and eternallly, a light was turned on.  For the beauty of my situation, even though I am tired, another light began to shine.  For the burden of my problems that I never had to carry in the first place, another twinkle.

I'm unpacking this idea of letting my light(s) shine wherever I may go and staying plugged into the Source - my God - to illuminate me REGARDLESS of my current state.  Like these small little christmas lights, I too can bring a room ambiance, warmth, and enlightenment.  

So can you.

pic pix: our lit rooms, at home, Dec.2013

receiving from the source.

What a crazy time of life this has been for us...moving, growth of business, new church "home (all shared about here).  It's felt like a continual shower of blessings lately!

Through these "winter showers", I've (again!) been learning more about myself and am realizing there are some big imbalances with parts of my thinking.  One area specifically...being a "Receiver".  Can't say it's been entirely effortless or continual that I have been a total "Giver", but somehow by doing/giving/"sacrificing", I've justified this misconstrued thought about receiving things:

better to give than receive = it is more "righteous" 
to be in the giving position than on the receiving end. 

Wrong.

When I break down the root of this thinking, what I am really saying is that I believe that I am better, and I can do better than what anyone can give me...including God.  I've (unknowingly) warped a beautiful thing that God freely releases to me, and have turned it into another area of pride in my life.  The pride of "me" being my source.

A tangible example for me...money.  I've always thought, "If I work hard I can make it.  If times get hard, I'll just take an extra job and push through.  I know I can do it: 'GO ME'".  (Prick a pin to that bubble and it'll pop pretty fast!).  It's as though I've made myself the source of my dependency.  Not even considering the One who created everything that I need, I live thinking, "I'll give what I earn."  Never in the position to receive, always in the position of doing and busy-ing myself and feeding my ego in the process.

In Matthew, Jesus shares how we don't have to take it all on ourselves:

Come to me.  Get away with me and you'll recover your life.  
I'll show you how to take a real rest.  Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it.  
Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.  I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  
Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

Matthew 11:28

Again, I come back to this passage (and I can guarantee ... it probably won't be the last!).  It's SO simple, but with that little bit of pride, I complicate it all too quickly.

It's only my God that can fully take care of me, give me sweet rest, refresh me, TAKE MY BURDENS.  If I have been overwhelmed by His blessings already, I can't even begin to imagine what more He wants to/could lavish upon me when I open my hands and receive all that He gives.

God is changing me and impressing on my heart that blessings don't just happen in seasons (i.e. winter showers) ...

Blessings happen everyday.  Now receive.


pic pix: a walk around johnson's lake, Nov.2010, Banff Area, AB

let's talk

I find it funny (ok...more *ironic*) that when you are thinking/dwelling on a certain thought, it somehow always works it's way into your conversation.  With whoever, whenever, wherever however!  Like your train of thought, making every railroad station hear the same "steam" blown from the previous stop.

Lately, my mind has been chewing on the topic of "talking".

Earlier tonight, my two sister-in-laws and myself went out on a wee shopping expedition.  Without any children or husbands ... just us three.  We had coffee, shopped, talked, and drove and drove.  Then, talked some more!  Conversation was refreshing, open, sweet, the reminiscing & sharing kind.

It's more than good to communicate like that.  To get my mind ramblings out in a raw and natural way.  Nothing premeditated or unrealistic.  One heart honestly talking to the next.  A true tête-à-tête.

After leaving and thanking God for a special time to share with my sisters, it reminded me how God unreservedly craves our continual conversation.  Our communication.  Our confessions.

Sing to Him, sing praises to Him.
Meditate on and talk of all His wondrous deeds ...
Psalm 105:2

Always be joyful.
Never stop praying.
1 Thessalonians 5:16 & 17

But, if we confess our sins to Him, 
He is faithful and just 
to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all wickedness.
1 John 1:9

Again, I'm being awakened to the crazy, wonderful reality, that God ~ our Creator, my super-hero God ~ just wants me to TALK with Him.  How I converse with family and friends, sharing the happy, sad, mad, glad moments.  Simply, communicating with Him.  

Like my boy communicates with his dad when he gets home from work ...

Like a random message taped up for strangers to read ...

Like girlfriends re-uniting for coffee and a chat ...

He just wants us to talk to Him.

pic pix: all photos in Calgary, 2011-2012

live now

It's been so long since I've had (what feels like) a chunk of time to be able to write.  Friday marked my boy's 1 month birthday.  Yes, 1 FULL month ago from when he first debuted himself out of the womb (*late* 1 month post still to come!).  We couldn't be more blessed.  Judah is such a happy, sleeping (yes, through the night!), content baby.  Just a little bit of mama bragging going on!

A bunch of new changes, habits, and routines starting over here ... it's challenging, but so refreshing.  It feels like it's been a while since I had a "new" start and the reason couldn't be more lovable!  For the longest time, it's felt like we've put off making concrete decisions (where to live, be part of a community, etc.) because of our unforeseeable future.  But lately, both Matt and I have been seeing the need to live NOW, regardless of what reworkings may take place in the 'tomorrows' to come.  The fact of the matter is, we are living right this second and not in the future.  Judah has been a good reminder of that ... like when he falls asleep, the important question of that moment ends up being, "Should I do   (insert task)   now?  Or take a nap as well?!"

It seems a lot of my days have not felt 'productive' like I used to feel.  Judah, now, makes up my day ... tending to his needs is my new "productive".  Coming from a go-go-go and do-do-do mentality, I can be hard on myself when I can't see the fruit of tasks being accomplished.  Although, with each passing day that Judah is rapidly changing and developing, I am again realizing that precious moments like these quickly evaporate and each of those seconds hold special value.  More value than a checklist being all ticked off.

As prolific as each day may or may not seem ... every single day threads into the story of our lives.  The insignificant and important worries/jobs/responsibilities of our "present", make up our story.

Sharing a morning cuddle with Ju-ju, I sing this song and want to live today as such... 

Live Now - Paul Brandt

I heard it from a newborn baby
Loud and clear in that first breath of air
I heard it when grandpa was dying
It was faintly there
Live now

I guess it really is quite that simple
Sometimes it's easier said than done
But all the cool rain does is fall down
And all the river does is run
Live now

We're not promised tomorrow
Like vapor, this these days here are fading away
Baby, this time I'm holding you is borrowed
But every second by God's grace, I'm gonna
Live now

I've learned I can't control the future
I've learned I must forgive the past somehow
Cause we are here only a moment
And life's too short not to live now

pic pix: my little lion man, 04.Jul.2012, Calgary, AB

it's a lovely day

"...And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer..."

F. Scott Fitzgerald ~ The Great Gatsby

For some much needed inspiration - in my closet, and home! - I went to the thrift store the other morning, in hopes of finding some treasures.  I found this cute kid's vintage book (circa 1950s...for $.90!), a $5 skirt to wear for the next month, and a steal of a deal on a blazer that fits me now at 8 months pregnant and will fit me after.  I didn't give myself a ton of time there, which was probably for good reason...there were a lot of other things that I just may need to go back to "look at"... !!

I not only loved the fact that this vintage little book was in mint condition and oh-so-cute, but I was especially drawn to it's title.  It's simple reminder to view the day as lovely [lovely: highly pleasing or enjoyable].

It may very well be because summer is right around the corner, or that I am getting proper rest now, or due to the fact that I am TOTALLY ecstatic that baby is only a month away(!), but each and every morning, I am being reminded that I have the opportunity to view the approaching day as a new beginning.  In my eyes, lovely or not, it's all in how I choose to undertake it.

Sometimes, we allow our life circumstances, tasks, disappointments, responsibilities, emotions, pains, etc. to cloud our ability to see and make fresh a new dawn.  Before you know it, the day is gone and we haven't been able to snap out of it.  Being thankful is one way to overcome discouragement and charge it into a new perspective ... as is realizing that God has promised us that we will experience new mercies each and every morning:

"...Sing praise to the Lord, all you who belong to Him.  Give thanks to His holy name....Crying may last for a night, but joy comes with the new day..."
Psalm 30:4-5

There's nothing new about this message...quite honestly, in my own life, I've visited and revisited this thought time and time again.  It's merely another reminder for us not to lose sight and/or get stuck into thinking that we live in a desperate cycle of drab with no way out.  Today, regardless of where you are physically, emotionally, or spiritually, you have the choice to see "the lovely" that's right in front of you.

In Calgary, it's not supposed to be the "most delightful" of days (weather-wise, forecasted rain, rain, rain) ... but the way I see it,

It's a Lovely Day.

pix pic: my "new" vintage find, Calgary, AB, 23.April.2012

new growth

Spring is nearly here!  Grass is slowly creeping into new shades of fresh green, birds are waking me up every morning with their song, even the tulips are poking their way up out of the winter soil!  Talking to some friends down in South Carolina, they were already experiencing spring over a month ago, so I can imagine for some of you it may not seem as exciting(!).  The spring season doesn't last long up here, as we usually get an unexpected dump of snow (or two!) before the end of May.  By then ... we're pretty much in summer anyway.  So, every bit of spring that comes our way, I savor.

I decided to put my green thumb to the test this year and start some plants right from the seed.  This was all new "ground" for me.  In the past, I've diligently tended to my store bought patio plants, but I've never started from the "root" of things like this.  According to the plant lady at the greenhouse, I started the seeds about a week and a half too late for our short season, but I'm determined to try it anyway.  Because our little place faces north/northeast, the total amount of sun we get is limited, so I stuck with the leafy vegetables this year (kale, 3 different types of lettuce, etc...).

Much like my own life right now, new things are sprouting and coming to the surface.  Yes ... the baby of course is getting bigger (only 6 weeks to go!), as are some other areas in my life that have needed new growth.

I've been an independent person most of my life, always finding ways to make things happen.  And by that, I pretty much mean, working hard!  My jobs (even though I haven't always loved them) have always been the main reason for my daily routine and working hard at them have proven to give me productive, purposeful "meaning".  I always dreamt of the day when I wouldn't have my job(s) roadblocking and distracting me from doing things that needed to get done or that I really wanted to be doing - housework, sleep, creativity, personal time, running, etc...

Since I've been on maternity leave (March 23), I've felt lost in my own skin.  It's wonderful that Matt can work and I don't have to.  Trust me ... I'm not complaining here!  But it is quite the shift to have a feeling of daily satisfaction because of those career/work goals, to now, completely freeing my mind from them and pursuing a purposeful day from my personal objectives (with the evident new factors of being pregnant! - another blog post heh heh).  I've been asking myself again, "what do I really want to accomplish?". 

The beauty of having moments of realization like this, is that I don't have to prove anything ... to myself, to God, or to others.  Often, I've felt the need to push the normal standard just to feel validated in the work I do.  Sometimes missing moments because I've given into pursuing the goals others give me instead of own.  Obviously, working for someone, you have to(!), but I'm the type of person that won't let it rest unless I've proven something.  


I've been trying to curb that with the very truth ... that my value is not in what I prove.

The law of Your mouth is better to me

Than thousands of coins and silver ...

Your hands have made and fashioned me

Give me understanding that I may learn your commandments ...

Psalm 119:73-74

We've all been made and fashioned, way before we ever had those moments of "discovering ourselves" and "learning who are".  Why then, would I have to do things to authenticate who I am?

We are all fearfully and wonderfully made ... with no expectation to prove who or what we can do.

I pray you, as well, would find freedom in that promise today.   

 

pic pix: the sprouts, my studio - Calgary, AB, 16.Apr.2012

clean slate

Lately, I've had this "thing" with white.  White & cream, layered textures on my bed, milky winter skies, really minimalist home design ideas, soft baby blankets that are (yup!) linen white, white-washed walls, creamy lattes (though, I really shouldn't be drinking any milk)...maybe because it is winter and we haven't really had that much snow this year either (*knock on wood*).  Even my current favorite soap is simple & white!  I really don't know why this is, because by nature, I am in love with colors.  Bold, bright, and beautiful...COLORS!

But, there is just something so raw about white and the elements that fit so well with it.  It's pure.  It's clean.  Much like how I have been attempting to start my days.  A while ago, I wrote about a bad habit of mine...not putting things away.  Along with that unruly pattern, tag-teams the "starting fresh" routine that I haven't seemed to get into a groove with since we got married.

You see, for me, mornings are just not my thing.  Never have been.  Though lately, I've been trying.  Trying to consistently make the bed as soon as I 'jump' out.  Taking the dishes OUT of the dishwasher before I leave for work.  Reading/writing something while eating breakfast instead of just staring into space (though writing down my thoughts that early usually consists of a sentence or two in a 45 minute span...maybe!!).  Though, they are the smallest of steps, I have noticed an improvement in my attitude towards the day...having a clean slate to work from.

When I was taking out the trash today, it hit me how "grubby" I can let myself get.  If you think about it, the garbage bin itself really isn't that gross, it's just the bag full of stuff that sits in it!  As I've been purging my home and making room for baby I've had to ask myself, "..am I really that cluttered or unorganized of a person?".  The answer is no...I just hold on to stuff that I really don't need and have carried it with me for years - memorabilia, guilt, papers, habits...things that limit me from starting 'fresh'.  It's like creating a painting and trying to combine every color of paint I've have collected (with every single year/experience/memory/etc.) in my life.  All that will result is an ugly, big, brown mess!

More and more, I see the need to let go of all the garbage/clutter/habits that limits my perspective to be clear, pure, and clean.  It will get harder and harder for me to see the right colors glistening together, or to enjoy the simple beauty of unpolluted white if I don't oust the unforgiven thoughts, get rid of unnecessary items (tangible or in a memory), and attempt to clear my current vision of "mess".

How do you start from a clean slate?

By His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life.  We have received all of this by coming to know Him...In view of this, make every effort to respond to God's promises.  Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.

The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins.  2 Peter 1:3-9

pic pix: latte from DeVille, November.2011, Calgary, AB

uncover

I've always had this 'dream'/wish that I could've been an explorer.  Go back to the time when there were no maps, expectations of the terrain ahead ... be the first person to ever step foot on that soil.  Every time we head up to the mountains and find an area that is "seemingly untouched", I ask Matt, "Do you think some has walked here before?  Or could I really be the first??!!".  We both know the obvious answer to that question, but I am always hopeful at the slightest chance(!).

"Generations come and generations go, 

   but the earth remains forever. 
The sun rises and the sun sets,  
   and hurries back to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south  
   and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,  
   ever returning on its course. 

All streams flow into the sea,  
   yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,  
   there they return again.
All things are wearisome,  
   more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,  
   nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again,  
  what has been done will be done again;  
there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there anything of which one can say,  
   “Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;  
   it was here before our time."

Ecclesiastes 1:4-10

As we've all heard before, "nothing is new under the sun".  Even though there's something so rapturing and exciting about discovering something no one has before, the ironic thing about an expedition like Lewis & Clark's, is that they weren't even the first to see what they saw ... they were the first to document and uncover it.


I feel sometimes, even the landscapes and explorations in my own life have been pre-felt and pre-experienced - either by me, or just a mirror image of what someone else has gone through before.  Though it's true (to an extent), it's usually in those blankets of time that I get overly discouraged and uninspired because I am not seeking to uncover and document the revelation(s) in my own journey.  I shrink away from being thankful, I silence the beauties shown to me daily, I hide in my own sorrows, I quiet the confessions that need to be shared...  


Though, essentially, there is nothing new under the sun, there are parts of me that need to be uncovered, exposed, and shared ... otherwise, I will never live in the beautiful discovery of my own life's exploration.  And that, my friends, is not how I want to live life!


I want to be open, revealing, honest ... uncovering the "new soils" in my life with joy, excitement, and purpose.  Maybe others have lived through it and 'been there, done that', but this journey is mine to adventure and presently explore.  There ARE new things under the sun ... the aspects of me that aren't uncovered!  


Will you uncover yourself today?!

pic pix: on a k-country walk with my bro; Kananaskis, Alberta, Jan.22.2011